Big Little ThingsThe problem with small talk
On Saturday night, I attended a party with my girlfriend’s extended family, some of whom I’d never met. I don’t have much problem talking to new people but still, starting conversation is hard. It’s hard because when you don’t know someone, you don’t know what you want to talk to them about, and when strangers use small talk to explore one another it actually becomes harder to really get to know one another.
Usually, it goes like this:
“So, what do you do?”
“Where are you from?”
“How do you know so-and-so?”
Translation: “I’m not trying to connect with you. I’m just trying to pass the time.”
And so you do the same, asking the same tired questions, barely listening to the pat answers, and scanning the room for someone more interesting. This is a great way to make your community smaller.
No doubt, becoming a better conversationalist takes time. It’s an ongoing practice, with good seasons and bad, and it’ll change as much as you do. Weening yourself away from small talk will certainly have its awkward moments, but if you’re conscious, those awkward moments will help you do it better the next time.
So in the spirit of diving deeper into this practice, Axel and I are declaring a moratorium on small talk for the month of May. We’re going to put a lot of intention into how we meet people, and we’re going to create a lot of conversation with others about how they approach meeting people. Wanna join in?
Leave us a comment letting us know what worked and what didn’t. And at the end of the month, we’ll talk about what we learned. Good luck!
April 26th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Whenever any one asks me “What do you do?” I try to give them an unexpected answer. The best, most honest one — “I spend a lot of time trying to think of interesting answers to that question” — has gotten me into a lot of good conversations.
On the other hand, if I’m at a bar and a guy thinks “What do you do?” is going to cut it as a pick-up line, I try to gross him out so he will leave me alone. Most effective so far: “I pick my nose when I’m driving.”
April 26th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I wholehreatedly agree and join your moratorium!!
My favorite is “what’s your favorite jello flavor?”
Or, surprising people when they ask “how’s it going?’ with something completely inappropriate. I’m secretly hoping when I enter elevators to be suffering from some embarrassing malady that comes out of nowhere… it can bring a little conversational spice to the normally interminable ride.
April 26th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
I struggle with making small talk. I’d love to hear some of the best tips to start true and genuine conversations. Heck, I’d even be up to be part of the month-long “no boring conversations” experiment.
April 27th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Though dangerous, commenting about someones appearance can be a good starter. I’m large and kinda scary and find it funny and gratifying when it’s pointed out rather than feared.
April 27th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
bob: i hear ya. last night, i had to do some small talk actually. a few times. the first time i failed miserably, and had to resort to “what do you do?” and then had to find a way to engage with the answer. it turned out to be a decent conversation, but only because i forced myself to ask questions that might matter to the person i was talking with.